Have I said how excited I am to be back with you all—I’m gushing!
Pregnancy. Childbirth. Mother hood. Chapters… In the last year I have added three new chapters to my life. I’m so “changed” that there will never ever be any going back! Now, I’m not so far along into my “new-ness” that I can’t remember me before baby. I remember her, still see her like a dress in a boutique window, but she ain’t me! Lol! She was so loose and random and well rested—haha!! I would have to say that now I am the SUV to her mini cooper drop top. Visualize it please. See it? Good… lets continue.
" I wondered, secretly, are they just trying to be special?"
Before the last year, I think there was a small part of me that wondered if women over-stated their “new-ness” when they talked about going through these life chapters. I wondered, secretly, are they just trying to be special? Well let me clear it up for you in the most profound way possible—nope! They don’t lie! Mini Cooper to SUV, see it.
Pregnancy for me…I gained 38lbs, lost sensation in my feet , spent three weeks having early term contractions, and worked everyday up to the day of my delivery--I actually went to the beach the day my water broke! …all of which took place during a NYC summer. Which means hot streets, angry cabbies & cross-town lunch meeting in 80 degree weather—this is a walking city!
"Having a baby is like being jumped into a gang"
Cravings? Let’s see…I’ve tasted every milkshake & BBQ rib within a 2 mile radius of my office. Swelling? My size 6 ½ foot grew to an 8! I was basically reduced to thongs sandals the entire summer…for feet I didn’t even have feeling in! It’s real ladies! You do not look like you, you do not feel like you, you cannot move, body roll or twerk like you. And it all happens so fast that you’re startled each day, unable to wrap your mind around it quick enough to prepare for the next change. And it all happens so slowly that you feel trapped and wonder “when will it end?!!!” Lol! But the sweetest part, the best part…that little baby inside of you, growing, moving, consuming you. He is yours, he is safe, he knows your voice & you know him—it’s so amazing! And so brief!
Childbirth… Having a baby is like being jumped into a gang. ::stare::
I pushed a human out of my nether regions! It was intense, it was strong, it was primal, I have no regrets. As a woman I felt empowered by the whole experience, it was a passage to witness by body perform this miracle and to know I willed it to be. That is all I will say about this. Each woman’s path through this experience is her own to choose; a healthy & sound mommy and baby being the paramount goals. But just know, the gangsta of the whole experience sets the stage for Motherhood.
Motherhood…rocky rocky rocky smooth… MiniCooper...SUV.
In the beginning so many things are happening, naturally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, space wise, family dynamic wise, chemically—did I say physically?? You are shrinking, leaking, sleepy, sore; if you want to breast feed, you’re all of that stuff times two plus you’re anxious (nobody wants a hungry baby)! It can be a lot. For me it was sooo MUCH! Peace & quiet became so important just to collect myself & reflect. Privacy. I needed it like air! I was trying out so many new hats that to even attempt some of them with people gawking and suggesting, at the age of 36—nope! Give me my dignity please…as much as possible with these engorged breasts!
But this little person. Every day he changes. One day he’s barely awake, then he smiles at you…and there goes the rest of your life.
"There is a very un-glamorous fog you enter into when your family dynamics change"
This week my “baby bear” turned 9 months, that means he’s officially been out as long as he was in! I am truly in love with him. He’s such a mystery for which I haven’t yet found the point where I’ve had enough… Through circumcision (performed by a Jewish Mohel & I watched!), to projectile vomit AND poop (its real, my rugs can attest!), to horrible gas pains (baby probiotics & Dr Browns bottles), through teething (mouth guards, Oragel & cold rags) to now trying to walk & explore (every cabinet has a lock!)—he never ceases to be amazing & funny! He has made me bigger, able to carry more, more stable & resolved… more patient. SUV.
My husband & I…we have had to get to know each other again as parents.
There is a very un-glamorous fog you enter into when your family dynamics change. More than likely it will bring out the rough spots in your marriage and you have to play that out all while working through the other elements of your changed life. It’s very helpful to remind yourself, over and over, that in the beginning it’s supposed to be tough if you’re doing it right. Hey—I’d never been a mom, he’s never been a dad (aunty & uncle don’t count!), so what did we expect? We had to continually release ourselves from the idea that we would do it perfectly or even how we saw others do it. the whole thing was liberating & frightening once we realized it was really all up to us (yes, clip those baby toe nails-ha!)! In all, the partnership that is forged in this experience is pretty amazing, it’s intimate on a whole other level.
Today, we desire to get back to being lovers. It’s very easy to let parenthood suck all the air out of the room. But we have promised ourselves that no one in our household will ever shelve a dream and we will work our hardest at making sure our relationship doesn’t take a back seat to the “doing & striving” of it all—that includes loving the munchkin.
I think that’s a good place to pause… I could go on (baby weight, sex after baby (ouch!), returning to work), but that’s probably enough for now. It was so good talking to you, let’s do it again…soon!
Diondra aka The New Suzy